On Raging And Control

I want to write you something honest today — and I'll warn you upfront, I'm not writing from the other side of this one. I'm still in it.

Several weeks ago, some news landed on me in my professional life — nothing to do with the my books or authorship career— and it hasn't resolved. 

I've had to return to it, sit across from it, and navigate its edges repeatedly. And every time I do, I notice the same thing happening in my body before my mind can catch up. I can feel the cortisol. I can feel the flesh rising up, wanting to rage against the circumstance. Against decisions that weren't mine to make. Against an outcome I cannot control.

At one point, the emotions became volatile enough that I drove out to my parents' ranch. I needed to work. I needed to use my hands, move my body, and get outside of my own head. So I started pruning trees that needed it out in the Texas sun. 

Just me, the land, and the Lord in the middle of all the inner turmoil. There is something about physical labor in the outdoors that creates space for God to speak — or maybe it just quiets the noise long enough that I can finally hear Him. Either way, I needed it.

I don't love that it got to that point. 

But it's true.

During the past days I've found myself turning to the Psalms, as I tend to do when I can't find steady ground. David's words in Psalm 73 was something I resonated with:

"For I was envious of the boastful, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For there are no pangs in their death. . . They are not in trouble as other men." (NKJV)

And the opening of Psalm 2:1 kept circling back: "Why do the nations rage, and the peoples plot in vain?"

It's an interesting question isn't it. . . 

Why do we rage? Or to be more pointed, "Kody, why are you raging?"

For me, in this season, I believe it's the threat of losing control. The sober recognition that security and prosperity are not guaranteed — not by hard work, not by faithfulness, not by anything I can produce on my own. 

There is a particular heartache in hope that has been deferred for a long time, and it seems to peak just at the moment when thigns start crashing down. Proverbs says it makes the heart sick. I believe that. I am feeling it.

Why do I tell you this? Well, truthfully it's to hope to encourage you. 

Such is the journey of sanctification my friends. It is in the furnace that we are polished. It is under pressure that the metal of the soul is shaped into something that can bear more weight.

Something I felt the Lord speak to me in prayer this week was this: "You can't control the outcome Kody, but you can influence it."

That became a springboard. Not a solution — I don't have one of those yet — but a direction, a next step. It led me to begin mapping out the opposites of what I was experiencing and turning them into an active prayer:

Rage → Surrender

Anxiousness → Peace

Volatility → Perseverance

Anger → Grace

Control → Sacrifice

I won't pretend I've arrived at the right side of that list though God is faithful. I'm praying my way toward it, some days more successfully than others.

Brandon Sanderson, in his fantasy series The Stormlight Archive, has a line I've always loved: "Life before Death, Journey before Destination, Strength before Weakness." I've been swapping the third statement out for one of my own these days — "Trust before Knowing."

That one is the hardest for me. Because I don't know yet. I genuinely do not know how this ends.

I've been telling my children lately that it's okay to feel sad or angry — that Daddy is big enough to handle it. I want them to know they can bring me their full, unfiltered hearts without fear.

And lately. . . I've been sitting with how much I actually believe that about my Father in heaven. How much am I running to the well to draw from living water? How much am I showing up and saying, with genuine faith, "He is big enough. He can handle my chaos"?

That's not a question for you to answer for me. It's one I'm still answering for myself. But he is so worthy. I will return to Him day in and day out. 

Some days, that's all we can do — return. For the man/woman that constantly shows up, they're blessed. 

Especially when we feel out of options, out of strength, out of answers.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." — Proverbs 18:10

Keep running to Christ, my friends. He loves you and He is present with us — even in the unresolved, even in the middle of what hasn't been fixed yet with no guarantees anything will change.

Thank you for reading this heartfelt blog! It means more than you know.

If you believe someone could benefit from this encouragement. Share it with them by clicking the buttone below. 

On a separate note — Book 3: The Stolen Necklace releases on April 21st, just a few weeks away. The thread of forgiveness woven through this story feels, right now, closer to my own heart than I expected when I wrote it.

I firmly believe you will enjoy it. 

Joyfully,

Andrew K. Johnston